Thursday, December 28, 2006

(mis)remembrance of things past

J was banging around a Bryan Adams song (Run to You) on the guitar t’other day – it made me laugh, and then I had to ‘fess up… A couple of weeks ago at work I heard a different Bryan Adams song (Heaven) on the radio. While it’s not my favorite song ever, I got a warm fuzzy feeling listening to it, since it was the first song J & I danced to (way back in high school, right before we started dating). Lovely romantic feelings were soon replaced, though, with the conviction that if I mentioned to him that I’d heard it and thought of us way back when, his reaction would probably be a dismissive “that stupid song? I hate that song” type of thing. I was so sure that he’d go into music critic mode and not spend even half a minute remembering that moment in time, that I started getting angry. There’s probably not a thing in the world that would make him stop and remember something between us and think fondly of it. Typical. Men are such thoughtless jerks, &c. I even had to tell one of my co-workers how pissed I was, and why.

Then I thought, wait – when I heard the song at first it made me happy – why couldn’t I just stay with the happy? Now I’m pissed at J and he hasn’t done anything – what’s with that? I’ve suffered at slights real and imagined before, but now I’m suffering because of a purely theoretical slight. And you know if I’m suffering, down the line J will be suffering, too. But there’s nothing real here to suffer over – it’s all just smoke.

When I realized how silly that whole little emotional feedback loop was, I felt better.

So I confessed to J the whole story and how sorry I was that I’d been thinking ill of him for no reason, while he, all unsuspecting, was minding his own business.

You know, he said, I do think that song is stupid.

Then I remembered that Heaven wasn’t the first song we danced to. It was All I Need. No warm fuzzy feelings there – it’s really stupid (unfortunately the song’s so lame that I guess I did a little creative editing of my memories).


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